Illuminated
It’s my heart breaking a thousand times
The feel of His presence holding mine
Thinking it can’t get any worse
But smiling, still, when I see the nurse
It’s holding on holding on when the pain’s so intense
Knowing somehow this all will make sense
No control no control only Let Go
And float and be and live and breathe
Knowing in your darkest depths, you’re not alone
When the pain’s getting worse, He’s steady as stone
My heart keeps beating; I am still here
No matter what happened, He’s in me, I feel
That stir,
that knowledge, so deeply engraved
Carved on my heart from my very first day
Everything taken away from me now
All of my roles, my meaning, my sound
The core of me lays here, still glistening bright
Just waiting to get up and turn on the light
The light from within makes me move when I can’t
It guides me along, it steadies my hand
It comforts or chides me; it knows me best
It’s kept me alive when my body would rest
I tend to the flame now, harder to see
So many good things surrounding me
But I know it is present, I just call out the name
And I feel the warmth from the Eternal Flame
***
I wrote this in ‘response’ to the homework question, “Reflect on the notion of being able to stay illuminated solely from within in the midst of pain.” Those who know me know that my notion of God isn’t as clear-cut as the Abrahamic version of the old man in the sky. But in this case, the male pronoun is what came to me and what worked in the poem – which is how I write. Those who know me will also know that this brought me right back to that time – 11 months today – when my body was done, given another chance by medical science and miracle science, and my soul held on and shined and shined and shines. 🙂 I am eternally grateful.