It’s my heart breaking a thousand times

The feel of His presence holding mine

Thinking it can’t get any worse

But smiling, still, when I see the nurse

It’s holding on holding on when the pain’s so intense

Knowing somehow this all will make sense

No control no control only Let Go

And float and be and live and breathe

Knowing in your darkest depths, you’re not alone

When the pain’s getting worse, He’s steady as stone

My heart keeps beating; I am still here

No matter what happened, He’s in me, I feel

That stir,

that knowledge, so deeply engraved

Carved on my heart from my very first day

Everything taken away from me now

All of my roles, my meaning, my sound

The core of me lays here, still glistening bright

Just waiting to get up and turn on the light

The light from within makes me move when I can’t

It guides me along, it steadies my hand

It comforts or chides me; it knows me best

It’s kept me alive when my body would rest

I tend to the flame now, harder to see

So many good things surrounding me

But I know it is present, I just call out the name

And I feel the warmth from the Eternal Flame


I wrote this in ‘response’ to the homework question, “Reflect on the notion of being able to stay illuminated solely from within in the midst of pain.”   Those who know me know that my notion of God isn’t as clear-cut as the Abrahamic version of the old man in the sky.  But in this case, the male pronoun is what came to me and what worked in the poem – which is how I write.    Those who know me will also know that this brought me right back to that time – 11 months today  – when my body was done, given another chance by medical science and miracle science, and my soul held on and shined and shined and shines. 🙂  I am eternally grateful.